. . . soulful musings and mindful reflections on everyday living
Blame or Forgive?
March 5, 2015
Dear Clare & Posey: I am suddenly conscious of a deeply seated sense of blame I carry towards a friend. This somehow gives me an odd sense of power, yet sadness over him. How can I change this blaming behavior and forgive?
Clare: When you change this belief or thought you will experience relief allowing your soul to soar! Can you think of your friend with forgiveness in your heart rather than this sense of ‘power’ due to the old blame issues? Can you willingly learn to let go of any control issues, which may have come with the blame and sadness? Yes, you can because you consciously choose to.
First, meditate on why you feel such negative energy or use techniques like self-hypnosis to find the seat of the blame. Once you can uncover the deeper issue or event you can change the story. Remember, it is your story of blaming you are changing, not your friend or his story (which may be shame, confusion, lack of control or sadness). His story is for him to work on.
When you determine the cause and sink into why you have daggers in your heart towards this friend, the forgiveness process starts. Forgiveness always begins with you. If you cannot forgive yourself for carrying this energy, you are not ready to forgive and stop placing blame, thus feeling a sense of sad power. This is soul work which may take time as you learn to switch from your old story to a new one of open heart, letting go of control, and accepting things as they are (not always as you want them to be). Go for it….once you forgive, he will change his attitude towards you.
Posey: You know I do not like to change. It is simply not in my ego nature. I like control and power, even if it is old tired energy, fake or forced. At the same time, I do not like blaming others when the basis is off center. I like what Clare suggested - to find the root and go from there. But, I also think this friend has some work to do as well. Can he forgive you? Will you come out smelling like the rose you are, or will you do all this work to forgive and he is still a jerk? Quite possible. I can sense he has a very large and guarded ego, which may keep him in reverse blaming or shaming for some time to come.
This is where I get a little fuzzy. I mean, you can try it Clare’s way and if it does not work, here is my way: ignore the friend, de-friend him. Go out of your way to be away from his presence so you will not be continually insulted or reminded by your lack of forgiveness thoughts and his behavior. Talk trash about him. Your heart will not soar doing this, but your ego (me) may feel satisfied. By continuing to blame him, you keep a modicum of power over him. That is what power is – control. Remember, I am only interested in you, as that is my job.
Geez, what control issues our minds get us into! But, that is what we do as human minds/egos/small selves as we create scenarios that may or may not be correct so we can feel good about ourselves. A fine mess, don’t you think?